This is a new take on the UK road signs.. and a short story
The short story…
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why ?!?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN, he responded, and I need to get some close up shots.’ The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor ?!?’ "Life is too short, so always drink the good wine first !!!"
Instead of turning up to rugby Pete, Giles, Mike (me) and Giles’s mate Simon headed off to the other side of Wolverhampton to complete the 2010 Tough Guy.
Arriving on site at 8am we discovered that the conditions were “frozen solid” and that it had started to snow. We walked around the site to have a look at some of the course and the obstacles. This basically a farm which has some obstacles built into it.
Yes, this is a frozen lake
The race was due to start at 11am and Pete, Giles and Simon were in the “Front Squad”, that group of competitors who start first and have a clean run at the course. I was in the “Late Buggers” right at the back of the field of 5000 competitors.
As the guys pointed out to me afterwards, we had two completely different races. They had a clear run at every obstacle with the competitors spaced out 10m apart for most of the time. I had queues of people ahead of me who slowed to walking pace at the obstacles and pinch points along the course.
I can’t tell you about their race, other than it was a lot quicker than mine, however I will describe a bit of my race.
The race starts with a run of about 6 miles with a number of obstacles, the first being a series of trenches filled with water and slabs of ice about an inch thick. This is designed to get you wet and muddy within the first mile. Needless to say your feet get COLD.
Inch thick ice welcomed the front squad – the late buggers just got lots of sharp bits.
The next major obstacle is 2/3rds of the way into the run and is called the slalom. Typically they understate this on the map. But imagine standing on Winter Hill overlooking “The Bounty” on the Thames. The run took us up and down that slope 10 times, before sending us on to other obstacles. I was lucky as there was a very attractive young lady with a very pert bottom in front of me who I pursued through this section, it took my mind off the pain!
The Slalom
The course then sets you up for a really horrible experience, crisscrossing a stream where the water is at least knee deep and the bank on the other side up to 5 feet high. This both freezes you and saps your strength as you work on keeping moving. At this point I had lost the feeling in both legs below the knees! and we had not reached the killing fields yet.
The Tiger – first climb followed by an electrified set of wires before the next tower
Up and over The Tiger, made difficult by the lack of feeling in your legs and then into the killing fields. Lots of water and mud awaited, oh yes and ice. Over the Coldiz walls where I got cramp halfway up and fell off. Through the tyre tunnel into water and then over burning bails of hay and on to the swamp and the vietcong tunnels which are too narrow to crawl through unless you are slight in stature.
Then it is on to the real wet bits…. The water tunnel, the Brandenberg Wall and the Death Plunge seen below (walk off the plank into the frozen water and swim out of the lake…
Death Plunge – 15ft drop into the lake
At this point in the race I cannot remember that much as I was SO COLD, I do remember stumbling along over some burning hay, across some duck boards covered in mud, under some barbed wire and into lots more water.
A view over the course
The end of the race couldn’t come soon enough for me. 2 hours and 20 minutes after the first person started I crossed the line, almost in tears and was presented with the most incredible medal.
For Giles, Pete and Simon showers beaconed, however I changed straight into dry clothes and shivered violently for the next hour.
Would I do this again? Well we are all signing up for next year and look forward to setting better times…………
With only a few hours to go before the Tough Guy race / challenge / obstacle course it is strange just how many things can play on your mind. Having prepared my kit, twice made sure that everything that I need is in place and rechecked the weather, it has dawned on me that I am nervous. Starting to worry about things that I cannot change.
This is so unlike me.
The weather is one of those things that seems to play on the mind. Having woken up this morning to a light covering of snow and some very thick ice on puddles and ponds, I started to feel the cold shivers running up my spine just at the though of getting wet.
Having practiced for extremely cold water by going for a “swim” in the River Thames I know that there is nothing to worry about.
The unknown of the event also plays on your mind. With lots of questions about how my legs will react to the effort (especially as they are somewhat sore at the moment).
The truth is that lots of people complete this event and I only need to focus on what is in front of me and everything will be alright.
By simply concerning myself with the things that I can influence and not worrying about the rest of the stuff that is outside of my control, I will be in excellent shape.
TUESDAY, January, 5 2010 JFK International Airport
A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
At last the snow has (mostly) and the temperature has risen a bit above freezing, so it was an opportune time to start the next phase of training for Tough Guy.
In case you are unaware what Tough Guy is look here.
Three of use decided to go on a cross country run, locally and then test our clothing in the River Thames. The run was through the woods and fields locally which are either very muddy or still totally frozen with a mixture in many areas. The River Thames on the other hand is quite full and very very cold!
So if you happened to be near the Thames in Cookham earlier today and saw three runners, suddenly detour into the river, run in, run about and then swim for a bit, that was us.
Strangely after a couple of dips (I bottled the request of full submersion, but credit to Giles and Pete) the water didn’t seem quite so cold. However our nuts thought differently and must have shriveled to the size of frozen peas. It seems like the extremities have a better sense of water temperature than we did.
We have discovered that thermal rash vests (used for surfing in cold water) are remarkable good at retaining body heat and will come in very useful for the event in a couple of weeks time.
On Sunday the snow started to warm up and at last it was possible to build a snowman. Unfortunately the snow was heavy and it became difficult to lift as the large snowballs were very heavy.
So instead I built a horse. (With red onions for he eyes)
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, a famous golfer was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards" They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
